Fat Girl Acting Thin

My weight has always been a problem but I didn't want other people to see how big of an issue it really was. My pride was way larger then my weight. I just wanted to feel normal and act like extra pounds of fat didn't effect me or my feelings at all.

All the stereotypes that we have about heavier people are always in the back of my head. I would go on walks, not to get healthy but hoping that people wouldn't think that I was a lazy fat person. I shouldn't care about what people think but I wouldn't even go to the gym because I was scared the healthier fit folks would think negatively of me for getting so big.

The summer before Joel & I got married, I would spend the weekends at his parents house in Ohio. We were always outside. We would be out there with the kids playing, having cook outs, or church events would be going on. We would go on walks around the yard or play ball. The yard was huge and came to a "point" before it dropped off. It was a great little semi wooded area, great for picnics, bomb fires, or just to sit back and watching the traffic on Route 11. I always joined in whatever was going on, but when church & extended family events I would have rather been hiding in a hole or just sitting at the point by myself.
I was about 200-210lbs at that time felt like I needed to impress everyone and some how make up for being fat. At picnics I would not eat a a normal serving size, I didn't want people to think that Joel's girl friend was a pig or to hear rude comments from the old mouthy people. If some one would ask if I wanted more, I would reply with "No thank you I am stuffed." Then I would binge as soon I left. Or when the kids wanted to play ball or chase...I would but then I would hide from the other adults till I could caught my breath.

Really all of it boils down to low self esteem & trying to pretend I was something I wasn't. I can't say that since losing the weight that my self esteem has sky rocketed. I do feel better about myself but I am still that same girl. I still have down falls and upsets, as well as my sometimes low self esteem. I am learning and changing everyday, its not all about the weight as it is the mental changes too.

***side note I should be adding pictures after 5pm this evening!