Mixed Emotions

If you read my last post you will know that my mother passed away on June 5th. It has been a long rough road since them. I am at peace with her passing and except it because she passed in her sleep & I knew she was no longer in any pain, but then again I can't except the fact that she is gone. I thought that those two things would go hand in hand. I am upset, angry, sad... I don't quite know how to deal with those feelings yet. That scares me.

My very first post was about my dad and how I gained a ton of weight after I watched him pass. I realized that I was still holding on to those painful memories and was trying to hide from those emotions and that was part of the reason I couldn't lose the weight. When I set off in my life style change I choose to let go of the pain I had been holding on to for so long. After coming to terms with everything from my past and putting the puzzle pieces together I look and feel like a new person.

But now that mom has pasted I just don't feel completely normal. Part of me is missing. I don't know how to deal with it. Like I said I am at pass with her passing, but then on the other hand I don't wanna deal with it. I don't wanna go to work in the morning and leave me kids, I feel guilty. I don't wanna stay at home, I would rather run away from thoughts about it, I guess I really don't know how I feel. Knowing now how my emotions suffered after losing dad worries me. I don't wanna suppress my feelings and emotions about my mom, but then again I don't want to talk about them either. Confused.

I guess the best thing about all of my running and hiding is that my sister and I have been sending a lot of time together. My family & I have been going back to church and may have found a good home church. And the whole family (not blood but family none the less) has pulled together and have made some great memories over the last 2.5 weeks.